In All It’s Misery, You Will Always Be What I Loved
February 22, 2010
A wise friend once told me sometimes battles are not mine to fight.
I am one of those people who feels like its my responsibility whenever something goes wrong, whether it be my fault or not, and I have the innate sense that if I don’t attempt to fix things, then I am being a bad friend. So, for what seems the entirety of my life, I’ve been the friend picking up the pieces of the messes my friends have made.
But this mess is much more than I expected.
It’s weird when you first know someone with an addiction. You see the shows on TV, you see movies and you might hear about some distant person who is addicted, and you think, I’m so fortunate to have never had this happen to me. When I saw my friend, though, my friend whose addictions have surpassed her ability to fight for herself, I realized it was happening to me.
And that’s when my wise friend Genna told me to stop fighting for our addicted friend. Genna told me it wasn’t worth it, and we couldn’t save her.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized Genna was right. We couldn’t save her. The fury in her eyes, the fervor in her voice, the excitedness and the fake, fake smiles made her unrecognizable. She was no longer our friend but a shell of who she once was. Her addictions had taken over her body and just left a replica of herself, someone that might have resembled her slightly, but was a stranger nonetheless.
Genna tried to make me understand it wasn’t my fault. I know it’s not my fault, how can it be? Still, looking at her in the state that she was and begging her to just please tell me the truth was hard, and it made me want to sweep her up and fix her problems. I’ll write a check for rehab if that’s what it takes, I’ll sit with you in your darkest hours if that’s what it takes. Tell me what to do and I will do it, but I want to see your face again and recognize the person looking back at me.
So Genna and I sent our friend back to where she came from, because we both knew we couldn’t help her, and she might never return to us because she feels betrayed by us. Rejecting her was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I know it was the only choice I had.
